So we have all had break ups. We have all had that awful after shock where we have to remove their clothing, pictures and other random items from our lives so we can move on. However, the question I have is what about the family?
When two people have a long term relationship, the family gets involved. You may become best friends with his sister. You might become shopping buddies with his mom. Maybe you are a tutor for his younger sibling. So when the two of you call it quits, is it also essential for you to break up with the family?
My wildly unpopular opinion is, NO! You are both adults (well o.k this opinion is under the assumption you are both adults) and you can make friends on your own. Sure, you former other half introduced you and happens to share blood with this friend of yours but they do not share a brain. If the family member is willing to keep you in their life after the break up I say go for it! There was a reason you guys bonded and I don’t think a romantic misstep should mean the ending of a friendship.
So this begs the question, how will this friendship work? Well there is one golden rule. Never and I repeat NEVER bring up your former boo with their familial relation. This means not asking how their new flame is working out no matter how badly you want to know, this means not asking if they are spending their days in a dark basement pining after you, this means not asking if they mind slipping cyanide into their morning coffee as a special gift from you. The topic must be completely out of your conversations at all time. If this rule is followed I think a continued friendship is healthy and completely O.K.
So bloggers what do you think? When you go through a break up do you break up with the family as well?
22 thoughts on “Who am I breaking up with?”
Unfortunately in most cases yes, but it depends on how much in love you were and how the family feels about you proceeding the breakup
Just a sad truth this post is really teaching me…I wish people would be more open minded.
If he used you and they stand by him perhaps you are better off keeping your distance from them too
This is true. But not all break ups are explosive. Some are amicable and in those cases I dont see why families need to cut ties.
This is a topic I am VERY familiar with. After being with my ex wife for 9 years, I became very close with her entire family. Helped her parents with home improvements, her sister with computer issues, and I was great friends with all her step brothers. I can honestly say that her family liked me more than they liked her!!!!!! However, when we got separated, I never heard from any of them for many, many years after. Number 1, I don’t know what evil sh*t she said about me, and number 2, IMO, she needed the support from her family to get her through the divorce and that I was ok with. They were all cordial when I bumped into them but as far as staying “friends” or close, nope. And I didn’t want that either. Maybe if there was a normal one in the bunch, I would have!
I guess this makes sense. I think marriage brings a whole new layer to this discussion. Its really sad to see that you can get so close to a family and then basically become strangers after the fact just because a relationship didnt work out.
I feel it depends on the manner of the break up. If it was a mutual break up, then everything you said is fine. But if it was a nasty breakup where a fight occurred and things like that then I believe it’s best to let it all go. Awesome blog! Looking forward to your next!
I totally agree- a nasty break up means that family is off limits!
There is usually fallout from every atomic blast. Best not to enter the “contaminated zone” for at least 25 years.
Haha very nice connection. You are right- 25 years however is my entire lifetime that might be a bit overkill!
Possible but unlikely. Much like RandyMan171, when my 6 year relationship ended, I didn’t make an effort to stay close to his family or friends – I felt he needed their support and he wouldn’t ask for it if I was in the way. I’ve had friends where the did have to break up with their ex’s sister because they couldn’t move on while maintaining that much contact with the family.
On the flip side… we are friends with my husbands ex-girlfriend. With both of them being from out of province, it was hard to “split” friends. When we started dating it was a year after both of our breakups and they were at the point of being okay at parties but not really talking much. I felt I could be the grown up and deal with her, I didn’t have to be her friend, just polite and I really didn’t want him to lose friends from home because of me. Now, almost 12 years later, we do a lot of group activities – parties, camping, group shopping trips. She came to our wedding, we went to both of hers. We see her parents and siblings at some events and they keep telling me how much better I am for my husband than their daughter was. I guess everyone knew they were both good people but not right for each other.
I am glad to see you have dealt with both sides of this coin. I like seeing that some people can make it work. Some people are great people they are just not good for us as partners! I am sorry that your six year relationship did not have such a pleasant outcome though.
HEHEHEHEHEE…..Love your response, Denis! But…..wait for it!…..I agree with Shae! Goodness, just cuz one can’t get along with one member of a family doesn’t mean you abandon the whole bunch. You just become socially polite with the “former love of your life” and carry on. It’s sad, RandyMan, that people have misplaced loyalties. Many seem to believe that if you’re related to someone, you can’t go against that person No Matter What they do. You stand by them against any non-related, supposedly offending party regardless of if you believe or know to be true. Sounds silly to me. As far as asking about the lost love to his/her famly members, if you have questions or comments, ask the X! Why would you get anyone else involved with that even if you were not broken up?
Oh my! We AGREE??? What is this world coming to??
I have to agree with you, Shae, I don’t think it’s necessary to remove yourself from friends or family members because you break up with someone. But as you shared, talking or asking about the person you broke up with is not wise, because it only makes for a possible uncomfortable situation.
Faaaaaaaabulous post topic, girl! And I LOVE that last photo. It’s BRILLIANT!
Have a super weekend!
Hi Ronnie! Hope you have had a great weekend! Glad to see you agree with me and love the photos! And yes discussion of the ex is just not fair to any party!
Depends on the break up for me, if it was nasty, probably would cut all ties
Yes this seems to be the common theme- nasty equals cut ties!
Twice when my sons have broken up with their girlfriends I’ve heard them say, ‘I’ll really miss your family’. So the answer is ‘yes’ from me 😉
Its so sad when that happens! We shouldnt have to miss a family there are sooo many ways to keep in touch!
I would have to say that I agree. If you’ve built a real relationship with a member of your ex’s family there is no reason why your breakup should change that.
Very well said my friend!